When to leave a relationship

The question was asked, "How do you know when to leave a relationship?" The response was simple and complicated at the same time. I have heard it said a hundred times, write it down on a piece of paper. On one side you write all the bad things and on the other side you write all the good things. Underline in red the items that are not negotiable. A younger person may not be as clear on what these things are but as you get older and begin to know yourself they become very clear.

It is often said that you have to pick you battles when you're with someone. Counseling is a perfect place to learn how to fight. Because in any relationship there are going to be differences of opinion. How you express yourself is important when you are speaking to someone you claim to love and listening to someone who claims to be in love with you. There are some disagreements that are important to have because they often shape the structure or refine the content of your relationship. If you are watching television is it okay for the other person to just come in and take over the remote. And is that an important battle to have? For a lot of us what we expect from our partner has been already defined by the relationships we witnessed as children. Those of us coming from dysfunctional homes will often strive to redefine ourselves and our expectations. Often, somewhere in the dark recesses of the mind many seek out the familiar because it's what we are accustomed to. If your Father was loud, overbearing, violent or restrictive and you can see those same traits in your mate then you know you connected to what felt safe because it was what you knew and had grown up with. The old folks said, "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't."

When discussions are had about things that are important to each of you and someone doesn't honor or respect another's choice, is that significant? As you spend time with someone and they begin to learn your secrets is it okay to reveal what was said in private to others? Is it okay to use that knowledge against someone. An ex took the knowledge of my Mother's suicide and used it against me in a conversation. It was the end of our over ten year friendship. Sometimes words can destroy and devastate. We all have to learn how to set boundaries around ourselves. And when we deal with other people and they do not understand or respect boundaries we are often forced to teach them what they are, what they mean and why they are important. Don't ever expect someone to just "know" what's important to you. Never expect your mate to be a mind reader. Express and explain yourself, your feelings, your wants and your needs clearly. And if you aren't sure of what they are or you have difficulty expressing yourself then let that be known too. Those types of expectations can destroy even the best of relationships.

After I review the positive and the negative I highlight which are the deal breakers . Only you know what issues are unconditional, things you will put up or dismiss if they occur. As opposed to the things that for you that are completely not acceptable (deal breakers). One does not compromise on a deal breaker. My friend once heard a friend cursing at me and said that calling her out of her name was a deal breaker for her. At that point the relationship was over and I didn't care enough to go to war over his need to "get it off of his chest." I can remember asking if he "kissed his mother" with those lips. The question caused him to stop and see what he was doing and saying.

If physical violence is a deal breaker then even what may seem to be minor infractions can not be tolerated. It's important to say what you will not tolerate. You can not expect someone to read your mind or guess what's important to you. It is important to draw a line in the sand around you. My daughter refers to it as the hula hoop. This imaginary hula hoop is always around her and is the marker for her personal space. My two year old grandson feels that all of her belongs to him and I laugh when she explains to him about personal space. At the same time I am sure that he will eventually learn to respect hers, expect his own and give other people theirs. Often we don't teach our children boundaries and they grow up to be adults who don't respect other peoples space and privacy. For some this can lead to irrational jealousy and suspicion another killer of friendships and relationships.

I look at my friendships, my love relationships and my familial relationships in this way. Anything that is toxic has to go. I may even warn a person that what they're doing or how they are behaving is causing me to evaluate the benefits of the relationship. And love if there aren't any benefits there is no reason to maintain the relationship. You may say how do I separate from a family member. Over time it is possible to distance yourself from all of the people who are not supportive, not respectful and are physically or verbally abusive and call it a joke or just in fun. No one, no one should ever touch you with out your consent. And no one is entitled to make you feel like less or worthless.

Violence for me is a deal breaker, as is drug addiction and other types of abuse. Verbally abusive people often hide their caustic remarks in humor. If they have feelings of insecurity they will project their negativity on to you. Don't let yourself be the constant joke or "whipping boy/girl" to someone like this. Someone who only feels good when they are putting someone else down. Verbal abuse can sometimes last longer and scar so much deeper than physical abuse. You and only you know what you are getting out of the relationship and if it's worth your staying. Only my children and grandson are entitled to my unconditional love. And even if love is given unconditionally that doesn't mean you allow a toxic person to be around you.

If you have to ask the question I believe that the real, the authentic you, already knows the answer. Dee