Domestic violence affects everyone

UPDATE:

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While we respect how important it is to honor the pink ribbon this month we also need to emphasize the importance of being aware of how prevalent and destructive domestic violence is. We can not afford to raise another generation of children who are desensitized to the abuse of their friends and neighbors. We can not condone the abuse of children and adults that adds to a vicious cycle that is repeated generation after generation.  The wearing of the purple wristband or displaying the purple ribbon is a small way you can show your support of the cause.  We can be the generation to wipe out this injustice.  If the behavior is not ignored, not deemed acceptable nor a right nor a privilege.  Then the perpetrators will be shamed and prosecuted and jailed until they stop.  There is another way to resolve an issue and violence is not it.

Michael Baisden, a popular radio and talk show host showcased Renee Cotrell-Brown this week on his show. She is the Executive Vice President for the Johnson Products Corporation. Johnson is launching it's 2nd National NO EXCUSE, STOP THE ABUSE! Campaign.

From their website: At Johnson Products Company, Inc. we pledge to take action to help combat domestic abuse in our communities. The "No Excuse! STOP the ABUSE!" initiative helps generate awareness, and provides financial contributions and advocacy resources to assist women who have fallen prey to domestic violence.

Hotline Number

National Domestic Violence Hotline for the United States and Canada:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

He also recognized the BG Harris Project. Contact them if you would like to make a contribution towards the cause and read about the making of this monumental documentary, "Abused Priviledges ".

Both sites have places where you can share your story of struggle and survival to encourage other men, women and children.  They need to know that they are not alone and that someone cares.  Cares enough to fight for them even when they are unable to fight for themselves.

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence has many different faces. It happens to both genders and it crosses socio-economic lines. I have been an advocate for domestic violence survivors for almost twenty years. I share my personal stories with the women I counsel and I encourage them to do the same with others. So many live in secret thinking that no one knows or with the shame that no one should know. One of the most common fallacies is that if “he doesn’t hit me” it’s not domestic abuse. I say she because 90-95% of the reported cases are of violence against women by men. If your partner is verbally abusive and threatens you with physical violence you are being abused. You may indeed heal from the scars from a beating much sooner than the incidious internal scarring left by verbal abuse and constantly being under the threat of violence.

My ex used to race at me with his fists at his side all the while screaming obscenities or threatening me verbally. As time went by he became more and more aggressive. It took almost ten years before he actually put his hands on me. Then I was done I just didn’t know what to do. I am a college educated woman with three degrees. They don’t mean anything when you are stuck living in hell. Domestic violence occurs in all types of homes to all types of people. We were living the middle class dream only on the outside.

The laws have been slow to catch up with the dangerous realities of this 21st century life we live. It’s not that long ago that a woman didn’t have the right to vote. Physical and cyberstalking are at all times highs. Law enforcement finds its hands tied when the threats are subtle and no actual violence has occurred. Many states are starting to put stalking laws on their books to protect women because so many have ended up dying without them. Many attackers do not respect an order of protection but it is still important to have one. You have to do everything you can to establish your credibility. Because in this arena you are often guilty of exaggerating until he is proven guilty of breaking the law.

I counsel women to keep a diary of events. On Oprah they shared the story of a woman whose co-worker kept a diary of her absences, her bruises and her accidents. They had a code word in place so she could let her friend know if she was in serious jeopardy. She always called with fake office business to check on her whenever her friend was absent. One day she called and the code word was used. She got the police there just in time. The diary and medical records were entered into evidence and he received jail time. They were able to get her out safely.

Getting out safely once you know you have to leave is the most important thing. It is important to have a plan. Keep a spare outfit at the gym, at work or at a neighbors. Have someone who can keep in touch with you on a daily basis. Violaters will often try to isolate their victims from family and friends. I thought moving to the suburbs was a way to make a better life for our family. Yet I immediately found myself isolated from the people I loved and those who knew me. I was only able to maintain contact with my church. This isolation decreases accountability for unexplained bruises and accidents.

Setting money aside for an emergency departure is a second necessity that can be a little more difficult to achieve. It is important to have cash on hand. If you have someone you can trust it with great but if not lock it in your gym locker or bury it somewhere safe. It could be found in your car. A credit or debit card can be cancelled and their usage can be traced. If you need to leave quickly you need to have access to funds to stay somewhere safe and anonomously. You also need to be able to feed yourself and your children. Shelters are out there but they can be full or difficult to get to for a day or so.

If you or your children take medications it is important to refill them.. if you can tell your doctor a little about your situation they may be able to give you a prescription you can hold on to. Most medications can be filled for up to a year. Make contact with your local women’s shelter or agency. Many of them assist men as well as women. I called a wonderful woman at 2am one morning and she helped me to wake up to what was going on when I already knew what I needed to do. Due to a chronic illness I felt like I couldn’t take care of my children on my own. One of my children has special needs.

She made me look at what the negative environment we were living in was doing to my children. What was I teaching my three daughters? It was worse living the way we were than it would have been to live on our own. He and I lived in the same house in separate rooms for over two years. His substance abuse issues came to a head and at the same time he allowed our home to go into foreclosure. I finally saw that I had no choice but to get out.

He lost control one time too many and I saw my children in tears as we were screaming at one another. When my oldest picked up something to protect herself from him I realized I had let it go way too far. My own baby didn’t think I would protect her. I heard him talking to a child like she was a grown woman and threatening to hurt her. It was like a fog had lifted and I knew I needed a plan to leave. It was hard to get out but it was necessary. I didn’t prepare and I didn’t have a plan in place. When I speak to other women I can share with them the mistakes I made so they don’t make them. I was homeless for a brief period of time but my youngest were unaware of our dire straits. I was able to find housing and move on with my life.

People often meet with resistence at police stations. Some have received sensitivity and other training for domestic violence situations. Most departments are not equipped with officers trained in domestic violence issues. Men are often not believed nor are they taken seriously. They are less likely to report attacks on them by their female or domestic partners. Male pride can often keep them from accepting that they are being victimized. When Police and family members are not supportive, what are they supposed to do? It often doesn’t come to light until the violence gets out of control and the victim is seriously injured, hospitalized or killed.

24 Hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Hotline
English: 1-800-942-6906 English TTY: 1-800-818-0656
Spanish: 1-800-942-6908 Spanish TTY: 1-800-780-7660

The following checklist may help you decide if you or someone you know is being abused.

Does your partner:·

· constantly criticize you and your abilities as a spouse or partner, parent or employee?

· behave in an over-protective manner or become extremely jealous?

· threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends or himself?

· prevent you from seeing family or friends?

· get suddenly angry or lose his temper?

· destroy personal property or throw things around?

· deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards, or the car, or control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?

· withhold medication or deny you access to health care?

· threaten to reveal your HIV status?

· force you to work in jobs not of your choosing?

· use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?

· hit, punch, slap, kick, shove, choke or bite you?

· deny you access to your immigration documents?

· prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?

· make you have sex when you don't want to or do things sexually that you don't want to do?

· control your expression of gender identity or sexual orientation?

· threaten to out you if you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transsexual?

· humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?


If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be a victim of domestic violence. You are not to blame and you are not alone - millions of women are abused by their partners every year. Not all acts of domestic violence are violations of the law. In any case, you do not have to face domestic violence alone. You deserve help, and Help is Available.

Information is from their website.

My neighbors brother in law was beaten, abused and stabbed by her sister multiple times. In the hospital after she stabbed him nine times in a rage, he was begging for someone to go and bail her out. She had nipped his liver and the police had no choice but to arrest her. All of the previous incidents had been dismissed or he had lied about her committing them. She wasn’t a suspect because she was a women and she couldn’t be an “abuser.” Once he was accused of being the perpetrator when he was the one getting stitches.

Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to be respectful. Domestic violence has no single face it affects blacks, whites, latinos and asians. It is important to be supportive no matter what the gender of the individual is who is being abused. Young girls are becoming the prime targets of abuse. They are a new face in the domestic violence arena. They don’t know how to fight back against someone who says they love them. They can’t recognize the red flags leading up to the violence.

When a partner isolates you from friends, controls who your friends are and screens your phone calls and what you wear these are all red flags. Red flags are warning signs that there is danger ahead. If you see any of these behaviors exhibited towards your daughter, niece, son, nephew or a friend’s child speak up. If you see a young male or female dominating their partner or being verbally abuse or vice versa pay attention and see if it is ongoing. Abuse can occur between males and females, males and males and females and females in relationships. Verbal abuse is the most common form of abuse reported by teens but that can escalate to physical violence. Children often imitate what they see and learn at home or in their families. A child raised in a home with domestic abuse is more likely to become abused or an abuser. Don’t pretend to be unaware, get involved, speak out. You may be saving a life.

Here's a place you can contact if you have questions or need assistance.

New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

Promoting effective cross-systems' responses to DV through training, technical assistance and policy development.
Publications - Contact Us - Statisticswww.opdv.state.ny.us/

New York Domestic Violence: Gender Biases90% - 95% against men. We asked Schlissel what types of gender biases he sees in New York domestic violence and spousal abuse matters. ... State Law Center | Legal Resource ...

family-law.freeadvice.com/domestic_​violence/new-york

New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence

The New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NYSCADV) is a non-profit organization whose primary goal is the elimination of domestic violence.
Contact Us - NYS Domestic Violence Program - Employmentwww.nyscadv.org/

New York Domestic Violence Resources - An Abuse, Rape and Domestic ...

Jun 11, 2008 ... New York Domestic Violence Crisis And Support Resources ... New York StateCrime Victim Board Crime Victim Hotline 212-577-7777 ...
www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/nydv.shtml

Safe Homes of Orange County

WELCOME to Safe Homes of Orange County and the Orange CountyFamily Justice Center. Online Saf ety: To immediately leave our site and redirect to an unrelated site, click ... www.safehomesorangecounty.org * will assist with finding you a safe place to stay for you and your children. Google shelters in your state or area for more resources and also domestic violence and your state's name for other groups that offer assistance